This week I had a surprising visitor – anger. I haven’t experienced anger for a very long time, probably 30 years. And I have never been as angry as I was this week. I was shaking with rage.
Now, why would I allow myself – the person who comes from the centre of peace and love – to get so angry that I literally wanted to punch someone’s lights out?
My knee jerk reaction was based on the built-up memory of this someone’s repetitive aggressive behaviour. I snapped because it happened again. Strangely enough, it wasn’t anywhere near as aggressive as in past times, but I snapped anyway. And it’s because my memory bank was chock-a-block full of it, and suddenly it all hit me at once.
I wanted to shout and scream and threaten. But, I have never, nor would I ever confront someone with anger in the heat of the moment. It is too destructive, so instead, I reached out to somebody who I knew would listen without judgement. Someone who was safe; someone who allowed me to vent.
The interesting thing was that while I was experiencing the rage, I was also acutely aware of being in control of what I had to do with it. I even remarked on it. I knew I needed to let it out, and I am thankful I had a safe place to do just that. In fact, it was almost an out of body experience as I could hear every emotive and angry threatening word from outside myself.
And the other interesting thing was, I knew I would never act on it. My love and compassion will always be far greater than any anger I could ever feel. But I had to voice it, or I would have exploded.
The truth is, when someone behaves aggressively on an ongoing basis, we don’t always challenge them. We get used to it, find ways to deal with it and make excuses for them. When life gets hard and things go wrong for those locked in aggressive patterns, they let loose, and anyone who is in the way gets it. So, we the non-fighters back away from the aggressive energy. My anger was the result of years of backing away – not challenging it because I didn’t want to make it worse for those in the firing line, didn’t want it to personally impact me, and of course, I always hoped it would change.
Now, the question is – will I challenge it this time? I have lived long enough to know that the right time to say what you want to say without anger or aggression always presents itself, so yes, I will. But I will do it with kindness and empathy because that’s what aggressive people need the most. They are desperate to be heard. The sad thing is they look for happiness outside themselves and can never find it, so punish not only themselves but all those around them. They are trapped in a negative cycle, and as much as we may want to help them, they must find their own light-bulb moments.
In the meantime, I take full responsibility for my anger; for allowing it build, for not acknowledging it, for what it created in my body, and for the energy it sent out into the Universe. I don’t intend to stack it up again, so I am healing and freeing it the only way I know how – with the Ho’oponopono Prayer.
And finally, here’s something for you to consider. How much anger do you think you’re holding onto, because I didn’t think I was holding onto any.
© Inara Hawley 2018